Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Excalibur Tells the Truth!

This mystical vision I have observed shows Arthur and his knights as they truly are. Arthur, a silly farm boy afraid of the dark, receives the sword of kings, and has no idea what to do. He must seek counsel from his betters, as he always does, the cad! His inability to act on his own wish to retrieve the Grail is absolutely expected. He sends his knights out to do his own job! When will someone notice what a weakling he is? And to impregnate his own sister? Revolting, and demonstrative of his overpowering weakness. A true king would fight through sorcery to defend his own honor.

The vision shows me Gawain exactly as I have always described him. Finally, the truth is out. He is nought but a drunkard, a brute, an oaf, easily led and swayed by Morgana and Guinevere alike. They certainly have sovereignty over him, I can tell you. And this Merlin character... I have had little experience with him myself, but I believe that such a pillock as he is certainly responsible for many of Arthur's faults. He gesticulates like a madmen, falls over in rivers, speaks in strange ways, and generally behaves like a fool. There is no doubt in my mind that this vision of the roundtable is as accurate as any I have yet come across.

An End of Kings


I am writing today concerning the most unsatisfactory treatment given to our Liege and his associated Court by one Sir Thomas Malory.

My first point of contention is his portrayal of the King as weak willed. How easily manipulated by Mordred and company! He had our Liege lose half of his Round Table simply because Lancelot held so much sway over their hearts. According to Sir Malory, Arthur could not even prevent Gawain from running roughshod over much of Normandy chasing after Lancelot. I cannot abide all the weeping and swooning!

Secondly, is the King dead or isn't he? Mallory is terribly wishy-washy about the whole affair. He has 'yours truly' taking up a hermit's life, running errands for a dying Arthur here and there, all in great detail, but he can't seem to make up his mind whether the King actually snuffed it or not. Lucan and I dragged the King off the battlefield, the least Sir Malory can do is correctly identify his final resting place.

Finally, I have my own, personal grievances with Sir Malory. Apparently he has decided that my skill at negotiation and diplomacy is of such small consequence that a small serpent can undo what took me several weeks to construct. Mordred had planned on attacking under any circumstances, and the adder played no role in the entire affair. Also, he makes me out to be a liar, and possibly a thief! I certainly argued with Arthur on his death's bed, I advised him to not toss the sword into the lake, but once his mind was set to it, I carried out his wishes at once! Such is the office of the Cup Bearer, to be stalwart and trusted in all things. Sir Malory has aggrieved me greatly, especially considering the ruffian and na'er-do-well which he is himself.


P.S. - Lancelot, your mother asked me to tell you she misses you and wishes you would visit, or at least write, more often.

Unfortunate War

'Twas I who attempted to prevent Lancelot from falling into that trap that led to the separation of the Round Table. Yet, listen to me he would not, for his foolish heart was aching to see the Queen. What a malicious spell Guinevere hath cast upon Sir Lancelot. This sinful relationship that they have led for many years has now torn a part the powerful knighthood of Camelot. 'Tis true that I solemnly pledged support to mine king, but mine blood and mine heart will not allow me to abandon Sir Lancelot. After all, he is mine uncle and the greatest knight of all, and our familial ties are stronger than any former pledge that I hath made to King Arthur. He was a great king and he unfortunately married someone undeserving of that honor, which she demonstrates clearly by her infidelity. This war is a terrible one and I truly lament having to participate in it, but I must accept what has occurred and with the help of Jesu, assist our side in achieving victory.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Lancelot over Arthur any day!


I know that thou art angry at me and feel wholly betrayed by my love for Lancelot. I am sorry for it, but dost thou truly not see why it wast so easy for me to run into Lancelot’s arms? Thou seriously took me for granted thought that I wast easily replaceable. Thy walls have ears sweet husband and I know what thou hast said: “I am sorrier for my knights’ loss than for the loss of my fair queen; for queens I might have enow, but such a fellowship of good knights shall never be together in no company.” Thou hast always made it clear to me that thou dost prefer “bros before hos.” Since I wast not gettin' any lovin’ from thee, I had to go lookin’ for it elsewhere. If thee wants someone to blame, look in thy mirror.

Lancelot, on the other hand, hast always made me a priority. He hast rescued me numerous times and hast constantly been willing to die for me. Of course I’m going to pick the guy that wouldst die for me! Thou generally just shrugs thy shoulders when I get kidnapped. How about when the Pope told thee to take me back? Thou didst not even speak to me. Thou barely looked at me. How about my recent kidnapping by Mordred? Thou wast upset that he took over thy castle and kingdom but not me! I even brilliantly tricked him and fled to the Tower of London. Didst thou care?! Didst thee come to visit? Oh no. Thou art sad over Gawain and Lancelot but forget about thy Guinevere. I might as well go stick my head in the sand.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Hello, it is I again! Sir Valven!

Hello, and God’s graces, my fellow knights and ladies!  It is I, Valven!  I’m sure you are all wondering where I’ve been since the Saga of the Mantle.  Well I’ll have you know that just because nobody saw fit to include me in any of the many adventures that Arthur or his knights have been on since, but rest assured, I am still here!  And I think it’s about time I had something to say about all the things that have been happening in our land.
My friends, it is no secret that Lancelot has been taking the Queen to bed, and an affair of such magnitude is both deplorable in all ways, and a sign of the necessity of this message.  I must now tell you all of the great danger that besets any and all unfaithful knights and ladies:  the ravaging plague of syphilis.  

God watches us all, this we know, each and every one of us.  But all too often, the mind slips, and the power of the Lord is forgotten, and the body conspires to act against Him.  And to those who commit infidelity, the punishment from God is syphilis, from a queen to a pauper, none are above the Lord’s judgment.

Even now, as sure as I am of the sun in the sky, Lancelot and our once-noble Queen have been summarily set upon by the all-consuming disease.  Each and every adulterous knight and lady will be made an example of, for the better-making of the minds of the faithful and virtuous.  I can attest that in the months following the incident of the Mantle, that many of the former ladies of Camelot were taken by the disease - made examples by God.

And now I fear that Lancelot and Gweneviere will follow the same path.  It is a true shame, such a noble queen, and the strongest, most famous and capable knight in the land brought low by common lust but alas, none of us are without weakness.  I only wish that this horrible occurance had never been visited upon such a wonderful court, and such a noble knight.  So beware, my fellow men of the Round Table, for if you are unfaithful to your lady, then a death most unpleasant at the cruel methods of syphilis await you!

Sunday, November 21, 2010


I find this to be an interesting account of what happened. Lancelot was deceiving Arthur, who trusted him, and I offered my assistance. Lancelot continued to lie, spoiling the notion of knighthood. Arthur clearly made a mistake with Lancelot. I think that this is how we should always be portrayed: Arthur being the victim of his own choices, and I giving what aid I can.
Poor Guinevere, though. She seems to be trapped in all of this, in my opinion.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Round Table has fallen silent!

Since my fair friend Merlin did not appear to comment on the Alliterative Morte Arthure, I feel that it is only just that I report to you all in my old crony's absence.

For it is in this tale that the greatest injustices that the great people of Britain has ever suffered are written. It should truly have never have gotten to this point! We lost everyone who mattered to the overall good of the land and the sovereignty of our great nation.

I had become too hungry with power and by leaving my people behind to approach others whom I thought I should conquer, I left my own homeland open for invasion. And invaded it was, on the inside, by the one person whom I thought worthy enough to rule in my place!

Now Mordred, we both perished because of your insidious deeds! All of the great men that served me so nobly have also suffered the same fate. The blood of great men spilled across the English countryside and all because I was ignorant enough to trust in Mordred.

Of course this is where I went wrong. I should have taken him with me as he desired. I should have left a more trustworthy soul in his position! I was a fool, but forever shall I be known and aveneged. As the kin of Mordred are hunted, I shall be there to watch over those in pursuit as the prey is slaughtered and tossed into the wicked ocean!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Beware fair court...

...something very strange is afoot. For I recently had images of utter destruction whence I layeth down to slumber this past eve. A great, ghastly, ferocious bear had taken up battle with a magnificent, monstrous dragon. I tell you all that this dream was so vivid that I awoke in the purest of panics, having the utmost feeling that this dream was telling me something.

I shall stand to attempt to wipe these images from my mind for the time being as I have taken up with much more important tasks which require immediate consideration. For one thing, Lucius Iberius of the Romans has insisted that I, Arthur, King of the Britons, paya tribute to him as if we, the great, mighty and proud citizens of Britain, would be in line with their rule. PREPOSTEROUS I say, and I shall address this situation directly.

Another thing I have had to tend to is the slaying of a Giant at St. Michael's Mount. For this beast was one who had been spoken of as a hideous human who had devoured over 500 people and had recently taken hold of the Duchess of Britanny. I shall have no such thing, as a beautiful lady of nobility deserves a proper resque and the Giant deserves a proper death for his deeds.

Yet in the back of mind, I can't help but think that thyne dream was something of a forwarning of sorts. Could it be that it is a premonation? I shudder to think of what the dream symbolizes and how in this great world of Lord's that I play into this narrative. I shall hope that it was something or pure fantasy that in time shall be forgotten and placed with other repressed memories that shall remain buried with the dead.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

An afterthought...

I am loathsome of all of the court belonging to King Arthur, but what a splendid display of tongues no longer spoken by the men and the troublesome women of this world! Entertaining and educating the audience about the times and trials of Gawain and his hideous lover was fantastic! The recital was indeed fascinating and I was honored to sit in the presence of the company of so many great performers.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Dame Ragnelle!

What a clever lady, able to save my lord Arthur as well as teach all men a lesson on women! Sir Gawain was truly a wonderful choice for a husband, as he is the most loyal knight who is capable of sacrificing himself for the greater good. I saw how cleverly Dame Ragnelle used her knowledge and appearance, with good intentions, to teach men how to respect a woman and her choices! Better yet, to give women control! I think that would be a splendid transformation in society, as all too often I find my husband sneaking behind my back to try and prove me wrong. It appears he cannot accept me as an all-knowing being, maybe because I am a woman? Either way, he never fully trusts my advice despite my loyalty and honesty. Hopefully his experience with Dame Ragnelle will teach him how to trust my judgment, as I foresee what is to come and advise Arthur based on that truth. I certainly hope to meet this woman, as it would be splendid to partake in conversation with such a fair (after her transformation!) and clever woman. I think this court could use another strong female influence, not to mention we could use our knowledge and intellect in order to keep the men in line.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

King Arthur and the Wedding of Sir Gawain and Dame Ranelle

How come Arthur can just simply be mentioned in a story and suddenly the story is about him? I mean, he has an important part in this story, but it's not about him. This story should be about Gawain and his chivalry!
I mean, not that I'm a fan of Gawain's either, but it seems to me that Gawain deserves better than this (or at least that Arthur deserves less). Half of this story is taken up by talking about Arthur and how he can't even answer a simple question. He breaks promises that he makes and he has such big mouth! Then he has the audacity to bring someone else in to solve his problems. I actually feel sorry for Gawain!
I mean, on top of it all, Gawain falls for the girl (who Arthur sets him up with) and then she dies! Some matchmaker Arthur is.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Arthur Cheats, and Life Isn't Fair!

I met Arthur alone. I specifically told him to return to me alone. Did I say he could crawl back to his friends and beg for help? NO! So what does the cheater do? He runs to his castle and pours his soul out to Gawain. The two of them hatch a plot to cheat their way out of my riddle, and betray my trust in Arthur. I let him live with the sure knowledge that, as an honorable king, he would not abuse my trust. This contest was mine to win, and Arthur knew that! He chose to cheat his way to victory (of sorts), and suddenly I'm the bad knight for threatening him alone in the woods? I gave him an honorable chance to redeem himself, and he threw it out the window in favor of the easy road.

And I can't help but be frustrated by the fact that my sister betrayed me...I mean she gave up the answer and cost me my forest of Inglewood. What kind of family is that? Sovereignty indeed. She wants my forest too! I'm finished dealing with Arthur and his knights. I think I'll go work for Mordred (when he shows up). Nobody gets the best of the Summerday Man!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Don't Pity Gawain

How utterly absurd for you all to sympathize with my husband and Gawain. While the lord is out hunting, partaking in his 'sport', Gawain is doing the same from his bed. The bed my husband entrusts him to sleep in. Ha! How foolish of him...no? You think that simply because we have yet to sleep together that he has been faithful? I know in his heart he wants to be, but I see the way he looks at me. He glares foolishly, both in awe and disdain. Based on his reputation I would have figured he'd have no problem pursuing me or at the very least welcoming my advances. I still believe it's only a matter of time.

A Gallant Hero's Digression

Sir Gawain has made some regrettable choices but is not out of reach of redemption for he is indeed an honourable knight. None at the round table but he dared come out and confront and challenge the dreadful Green Knight. The trickery the Green Knight employs seems quite frightening but so too was the stature of my father and the challenges he posed. Gawain has quite a bargain to fulfill but, as I have seen in my experience, the knights and the blood of King Arthur have the strength to overcome many obstacles which may seem impossible. Despite this, Sir Gawain's honour seems to be at risk. The wife of the host that harbours him has thoughts toward him which involve being untrue to her husband which would ruin the honour of the two of them. Sir Gawain seems to be quick to pay back all he receives to his host but the protective girdle which he apparently does not return will spell it for him. Experience tells me there is nothing he can receive from this point that can have any desirable result if he does not turn over this token to his host. Without his honour, this great knight will see that nothing he could gain in his quest can reward him.

What a Wicked Lady!

Oh, the treachery this woman attempts on her good husband! It is truly a vile obsession this lady has with good Sir Gawain, who thankfully is righteous and virtuous enough to refrain from fulfilling her fantasies of him! I pity her husband, who trusts her most adamently! It is a shame that she attempts to gratify her unclean desires in her husband's absence. It is even an insult that she thinks Gawain will give in to her desires! Clearly, she must not know how virtuous and good he is - even though she claims she knows this well! Maybe she is just incapable of understanding such good qualities as honesty and respect! It truly pleases me that Gawain of Arthur's court upholds his duty as a virtuous and trustworthy knight, respecting the lord who gives him lodging during his journey to find the Green Knight. Arthur would also be pleased to hear about Gawain's strength against the wishes of this lady, as Gawain does find her to be the most beautiful lady he's ever laid eyes upon. It takes a real man to resist temptation of this sort, especially when one feels this strong of an attraction. May Gawain continue to be as virtuous and true as always, and may this wicked lady know not the kindness of God's love until she repents for her unclean desires and attempts at dishonoring her husband.